Eff You Cat!

[Retch] NomNomNom

2009-03-19T10:24:00.000-04:00

Dander Everywhere! Mai allergeez!

2009-02-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

Maybe if you didn't have so many stupid cats you wouldn't have to vacuum so much. Just sayin...

2009-02-21T11:18:00.001-05:00

Nicole in New York points us to the ingenious Control A Cat remote control. Just point it at your cat and push buttons like "Here Kitty Kitty," "Show Affection," and "Catch Mice."

8 out of 10 cats ignore it, which means at least two or three of your cats will obey its every command.

Fun New Game: Wake Up Your Cat

2009-02-19T23:43:00.006-05:00

No, it's not a drinking game (this time). SomethingAwful has a game that's even better, because it's not quite animal abuse, per se, just animal annoyance and humiliation (which is still legal in all 50 states!). The rules are as follows:

1. Your cat is probably sleeping right now, knowing cats
2. Get a camera
3. Wake that lil bitch up
4. Take a picture of the face your cat makes (maybe wait for a good yawn)
5. Post that shit

Pretty easy, right? If/when this game gets boring with your cat, it's also fun to play with girls, hobos, and bears!

(thanks Jen in SF)

Hey Sockington, Sign My EULA!

2009-02-19T23:24:00.004-05:00

Hey, here's a creative use for a cat: get him to sign the end-user license agreements for online stores and social networks and stuff! That way you can't get dragged to court for abusing the Interwebs, and you can sue Facebook when they abuse your privacy!

All you have to do is teach your puss to use a computer keyboard. And once you've done that, you might as well teach it to blog and use Twitter too. Oh, wait, they already can, and they're better at it than humans are. (Eff you AND your medium-size town's worth of followers, @Sockington).

Cat Spars with Printer

2008-12-23T01:05:00.001-05:00

Speaking of appliance abuse, Leann from New York sent me this video of a cat attacking a printer. I don't know what it is, but cats hate printers. Printers are like the new mice for cats. If they were to remake "Tom and Jerry," Jerry would be played by an HP Photosmart C4280 AIO printer. No joke.

Ridin' the Roomba

2008-12-21T01:01:00.000-05:00

I actually can't hate on this cat too much. Sure, it's draining the Roomba's batteries, but that looks like a lot of fun. But Carol says "Eff you, appliance-abusing cat!"

Is Your Cat Trying to Kill You? (Yes)

2008-12-19T00:49:00.003-05:00

I don't need a quiz to tell me that my cats are trying to kill me (just ask my allergist), but if you do, I suggest taking this funny one at catswhothrowupongrass.com. You're probably just missing all the telltale signs.

[Thanks to Sabrina from New York!]

Night of the Living Cat

2008-12-18T00:45:00.001-05:00

[Thanks and curses to Whitney from New York...this image will haunt my dreams]

Perpetual Motion Cat

2008-12-18T00:40:00.002-05:00

There's something hypnotizing about watching a cat swing back and forth. I can only hope this swing was like 80 feet off the ground.

[Via Carol from The Bronx, via CuteOverload]

Cats as Zen Monks

2008-11-25T01:47:00.004-05:00

If you like cats, and you like books that make you want to kill yourself, you'll probably love "Choosing to Be: Lessons in Living from a Feline Zen Master." It's about cats, and just the title makes me want to kill myself.

The book is about a buddhist master cat who teaches her owner the secrets of zen living and stress relief. I haven't read the book, but I have the feeling that these secrets involve getting someone to buy everything you need, prepare your food, clean your poo for you, and pet you whenever you want. That's a stress-free life alright!

Oh, and in my own personal experience, cats are hardly buddha masters. My cats are neurotic, vocal, and pathologically needy. The only thing they've taught me is patience.

Getting Paid to Torture Cats in Public--Brilliant

2008-11-18T11:04:00.001-05:00

Have you guys seen this dude? Apparently he's a fixture in Key West--a street performer who is famous for lighting cats on fire! Who knew you could make a living that way?

[Thanks Chloe from Manhattan]

Cat Lies!! And E-mail Forwards!!

2008-11-15T16:30:00.000-05:00

One of our readers just got an email with the following harrowing story:

THIS IS TOO FUNNY!!!
Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc., all to no avail. One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally got out of his sick bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of the bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity:

Lucky for us, Snopes uncovered the truth about the cat's bathroom habits, which you can read here.

Thanks for the tip, Carol from the Bronx!

Bath Time for...Someone

2008-11-13T22:51:00.003-05:00

Awww...this kid's "all wet!"

[Thanks Mark from Brooklyn]

Too Mean? Sorry...

2008-11-13T22:47:00.004-05:00

...but this video is kind of hilarious.

“This guy is pissed off that a cat keeps sleeping on top of his cars hood at night so he decides to get his revenge.”

[Thanks Jen from SF]

If You Give a Cat a Cupcake, You'll Reinforce Its Pathological Neediness

2008-10-30T23:17:00.003-04:00

From FYC friend Nicole:

"Saw this at the Borders on Park Ave. on Sunday and immediately thought of the blog. This valuable parable teaches kids that if you give a cat a cupcake they'll walk all over you, because cats are jerks. Sure the kitty just asks for sprinkles at first, but next thing you know, the cat's dragging the kid to the beach, the amusement park, and the museum, forcing the child to carry all its stuff, and making her clean up the mayhem left in its wake."

These are the types of lessons that can be valuable, if children internalize them at a young enough age. I highly recommend this book, on those grounds.

Cards for Cats

2008-10-26T15:24:00.005-04:00

For all you cat lovers who'd rather spend time with your pets than with humans (as opposed to me, who'd rather spend time with the Internet than with pets OR humans), now there's a card game for you and your cat.

You can play CatFeats with any combination of up to four humans and/or four cats, but there needs to be at least one human (apparently cognitive reasoning and opposable thumbs are required in at least one player). All you do is roll the dice, then pick a card with a task or trick to perform, and then perform the trick if it's your turn, or have your cat perform the trick if it's your cat's turn.

The web site doesn't say what kind of tasks are on the card, but I'd assume they're everyday cat tasks ("Scratch Master's Face," "Puke," "Meow Incessantly," "Destroy Furniture," etc). Enjoy!

(Thanks Dan from Brooklyn)

Creepy Cat Mask

2008-10-26T15:12:00.007-04:00

This one will get you all the ladies at your halloween party, assuming your party is stocked with crazy cat ladies (sexy crazy cat ladies, it being halloween). The psycho killer cat mask is a DIY project, and detailed instructions are available at Daily Candy New York.

(Thanks Nicole in NYC)

And That's Why You Never Jump Up Onto Counters, Cat!

2008-10-22T19:01:00.002-04:00

Some mad scientist had a cat who wouldn't leave a plant on his kitchen counter alone. He could have turned to a spray bottle, abuse, abandonment, or euthanasia, but instead he turned to his gadgetry skillz. The genius rigged a motion detector to a blender and a strobe light, so every time the cat jumped on the counter he was greeted with a whirr and a flash. But he didn't stop there: he wired up a networked video camera to shoot the scenes! The fraidy cat videos are hilarious; watch them here.

[Submitted simultaneously by Jen in Berkeley and some friend of Brian's.]

Felinic Devolution

2008-10-14T17:36:00.004-04:00

All I can say is I have first-hand experience with felinic devolution. And this picture is fantastic (thanks for the tip, Kristal from effing Albania!)

(There are noooo cats in Albania...)

EffYouCat Vs. NYTimes: We Have Anecdotal Evidence Too!

2008-10-08T12:15:00.003-04:00

Everything in this NYTimes article is a total lie.

"Indeed, it seems that man’s best friend is no longer a golden retriever, but a cuddly cat named Fluffy."

An entire NYTimes article about how straight, single men "seem" to love cats more now, based on some shaky anecdotal evidence. Unfortunately, I'm the second to call BS on this one behind Slate's Jack Shafer. Here's what I take to be the article's money quote:

"Stacy Mantle, the founder of Petsweekly.com, a magazine for pet lovers, said that men are becoming more “cat literate” because they themselves are evolving."

You really want to bring evolution into this, Ms. Mantle? Ok...not to get all un-PC, but in order for a species to evolve, it has to procreate. So if men (or women) are choosing feline companionship in lieue of the companionship of the opposite sex--which this article explicitly says--then cats are actually hindering human evolution.

"The Cats Protection study found that single male cat owners were more likely than their female counterparts to have made, or consider making, a sacrifice for their cat — including ... going into debt for their cat if necessary.

Single men were also almost as likely as single women to break a friendship rather than lose their cat, and would consider choosing their cat over their partner."

So we're evolving into slaves to our pets. That's just great.

Cat Scratching

2008-10-06T21:41:00.003-04:00

If only real cats were half as cool as Nico Casavecchia's turntable cats in this awesome video.

(Thanks Paula!)

A Sinking Sh--

2008-10-03T01:00:00.002-04:00

A steamy story from Carol in the Bronx:

My sister Rini was visiting me last week. Even though she cooed and oohed and aahed over both my cats, somehow the elderly one, Lucy, was not placated—I guess she thought that not enough of our attention was directed her way: Rini and I came home one night to find a big, steaming pile of poop in my kitchen sink. [Lucy, I know that was you and not Layla! Dammit, we save the kitchen-sink-poop trick for people we don’t like!]

An Open Letter to my Effing Cats

2008-09-29T22:35:00.006-04:00

Dear Cats,

You have been created by the Good Lord and bred since the dawn of pets for a single purpose: pest control. That is your job—nay, your career—nay, your Raison d'être. That's why you evolved with claws and sharp teeth. That's why you smell better than me, you see in the dark, you're quick and agile, you have amazing reflexes and balance. You are a born, bred, instinctual hunter.

You are also instinctually and naturally annoying. You barf on my floor. You meow constantly. You scratch things that are worth more to me than you are, like my furniture and my face.

To my own surprise, I would have forgiven you all your flaws if, for once, you had called your natural killing abilities into service last night when I saw a mouse running across my wife's pillow. I immediately threw the two of you in the bedroom with the mouse, and even pointed it out to you, but apparently millions of years of evolution and breeding have been undone in the two years you've been chilling in my apartment. You didn't hunt it, you didn't kill it, you didn't present its mangled body to us as a peace offering after all we've put up with from you two.

Have you achieved some zen-like higher consciousness that forbids you from indulging your natural impulses to kill mice? Because that's what it looked like. You just did your thing, and let the mouse do his thing. Everyone got along great—a picture of diversity and tolerance when it should have been a bloody fangfest.

Eff you, liberal cats. Kill here! Kill now!

Dogs' Worst Nightmare: Cats in Tanks

2008-09-21T22:48:00.000-04:00

As if we needed to encourage the already prevalent view among cats that the humans need to be destroyed, SUCK UK has these foldable cardboard tanks and planes for your felinic Führer. World domination not included (but definitely implied).

Thanks to Jen from Central Valley